This here is not your everyday fairytale.
To those struggling with anxiety and depression, this one is for you. Do you wake up feeling like you can’t breathe? Feeling like no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to be happy? Are you a parent trying to figure out why you are happy with your kids but have days where you want to just crawl into bed and just cry? Can’t help but think that you make everyone miserable and love just seems to keep running away from you? Well, if these are some of the questions you ask yourself everyday then you will understand where I am coming from. This is the beginning of my story and I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Everyday I wake up trying to force on this happiness to cover a hole in me that I call depression. No matter how much I accept it, there’s always a void on the top of my mind. I understand the feeling of guilt that lays heavy on your chest even when you have the happiest children or the best boyfriend or girlfriend of all yet you feel negative. I know exactly how it feels to have all this positivity around you yet feel like you are not good enough and feel like no one wants you or loves you.
I know how it feels to want to go to bed but can’t help but stay up until two or three in the morning thinking and thinking hard about what you could do to make others happier in spite of yourself. I understand how it feels to finally fall asleep and wake up two or three hours later wanting to just lay in bed and not do anything.
So where and when did it all begin? That part I am not so sure myself. I used to deny that I had this mental illness up until a couple of years ago. Well, lets just start with where I think it began. I believed it all began when I was in a toxic relationship with the father of my first born in the summer of 2008. The days where I let the physical and mental abuse run all over me because it was coming from someone I truly believed loved me.
Pregnant and feeling all alone I kept being pushed down. Taking a beating and believing every single word that would come out of his mouth when he would tell me I was worthless and I was nothing. Believing that someone who loved me could never do that to me or call me explicit names yet listen and stay when he would tell me he didn’t mean it and he loved me. The years of abuse led me to dislike myself and think that I was never good enough. It made me depressed. So if this has ever happened to you, I know that exact feeling of letting someone cloud your mind with such negativity about yourself.
When my first child was born on March 04, 2009, he left me to go party and it continued every single day. It led me to exhaustion, led to me to cry every single day even though my child was right there with me. I was happy to have this blessing I was given to from God yet I had all this guilt and sadness in me that I could not understand. I would stare into my child and tell him that everything was going to be okay.
Anyways, two years pass and I finally was able to finally find myself again, at least I thought. I was happy that I got out of such a toxic relationship and got away from someone who was there but never was really there for us. If you understand what I mean. I worked three different jobs so I could support my child and myself. I finally felt free and independent and happy with how my life was going.
So I do understand the feeling you get when you think it is all over and you are happy again, Then, out of nowhere, you are just sitting there and there you are wanting to crawl into a ball and cry, just cry. Just when you thought things were looking up, depression comes flying at you when you least expected it.
Fast forward to this day, I know that exact feeling of sadness that runs over your body and interferes with your heart and mind. Today, I lay here at 02:08 AM next to my second born who came into my life on July 01, 2018 with my new boyfriend who I have been dating for a bit over two years. So like I said, this is not your fairytale story. Like any other relationship, we have our ups and downs too. I am very fortunate to have him but once again, we were hit with news that changed our lives forever.
Once again, life kicks me in the butt and tests me with fights that I have with him too. Fighting and exchanging words to hurt one another. Being told that he had been trying to leave me the day I finally found the courage to tell him we were expecting. Til’ this day, even though he said he was drunk, it hurts me and it just feels like someone is literally stabbing you in your chest. Our communication is off because I am afraid to speak up and he has a sense of pride, who he himself does not know he has. The only time it comes out is when we are very upset or a night of drinking. Unfortunately, this isn’t only hurting us, it is hurting the kids.
So days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months and now our child is 7 months. He keeps us on our toes and always smiling yet here I am again at the face of depression once again. His father is always there for us but the nights when he goes hangs out and doesn’t come home or gets to go do what he wants whenever he wants because he works and I am a stay at home mom at the time is upsetting me because I feel as a parent, you should always want to come home to your child. Is it selfish of me to get upset? Is it selfish of me to feel exhausted and want his help when he goes to work at night and I am with the baby 24/7? Does he not think about how I feel especially when his friends come before us? Is this a one sided love? I truly understand the parents who stay at home because you think it would save you thousands of dollars on a babysitter and think it would make it less stressful for your significant other. I know that exact feeling of it being hard for you to be away from your newborn child too.
While all of this is going on, depression plays a big part in your life when it comes to love and parenting. You can’t help but feel so low even when you feel that you are doing the best you can. I understand the parents who feel like no one understands you. I understand how it feels to not have any communication with your significant other and know how it feels to be such a disappoint to someone you truly care for. It just makes you blame yourself. Are you wrong for thinking the way that you think because you are a stay at home parent? Will going back to work as soon as possible be the best bet so that it helps me not think so much and gives me my own time? Will it help relieve me of my anxiety and depression? Guess we will have to see. Til’ next time!
Life of Motherhood, Love, and Depression 